Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
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Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?