*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
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Legend 🤣🤣
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
The hardest thing Vision has to do
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
#titanic
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
*exercises sarcastically*