*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
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[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.