why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
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Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
can I use a minion as a tampon
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.