tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
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dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
rise and shine we got egg
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.