Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
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Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
when someone compliments me
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.