Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
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“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.