Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
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HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
😂😂😂
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.