Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
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Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]