Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
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So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
Godspeed, John Glenn
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.