Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
You Might Also Like
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead