Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
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My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
Wake me when AI does housework
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.