Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
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Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME