DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
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The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
good let them take over I have had enough
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.