Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
You Might Also Like
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
Cool shirt 🙂
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.