[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
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You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.