[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
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I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
real
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
My background check bounced.
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”