[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
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My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.