[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
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Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent