[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
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My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
Kermit goes Blue.
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.