[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
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“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.