[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
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Yup.
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
when nothing goes right… go left
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet