[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
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I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.