[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
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Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?