[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
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This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”