CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
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Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na