@LaetPO: Tragic News: Plane carrying Donald Trump underwent massive turbulence, lost engine power, stalled, but landed safely.
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@EndhooS: Good cop "If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal..." Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
@novicefather: My toddler fell, smashed his face into the cement, then played it off like he was giving the ground a kiss. No DNA test necessary.
@trevso_electric: Women! Can't live with 'em, can't sell 'em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
@FattMernandez: I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it's the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.