Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
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People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit