Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
You Might Also Like
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
ok hear me out: Luigiana
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
Planet of the Apps.
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.