When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
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Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before