train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
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Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
Strange
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
We’ve come full circle
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
Going to church you guys need anything
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you