[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
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Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*