TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
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6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
titanic
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.