TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
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During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.