Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
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No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.