Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
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No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
A Match(.com), but for socks.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
From my Mom
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it