Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
You Might Also Like
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.