Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
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on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”