Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
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“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
Put my back out twerking in the library again
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.