Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
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Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
Unimpressed
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.