me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
You Might Also Like
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
See..?
.
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters