Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
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All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
that lip filler tho
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared