Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
You Might Also Like
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
Guilty! 🤪
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy