Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
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HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
Life cycle of cat
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”