Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
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This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
Love this guy
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.