trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
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Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…