“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
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Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*