TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
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Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz