[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
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Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it