[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
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[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
Golf would be better with landmines.