*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
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[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
This guy’s not having it 😆
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
brian had himself a morning…
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.